Life as I know it

Kid's are expensive.

Very. Very. Expensive. 

I thought babies were costly, shit, my pre-teen is going to run me dry. 

" I need this", "I have to have" that, "but Mom, it's only twenty bucks". 

It seems like every three weeks I'm buying new shoes. My oldest wears Vans now so that's fifty bucks at least once a month. I guess me not wanting to buy the boys cheap-funky mickey mouse spider man shoes as toddlers is biting me in the ass now.

 I figured since I didn't have girls I was going to save a couple of bucks. 

FUCK.NO.
I should have really took advantage of the days where i could buy them what was on sale and really stocked up. Those days are long gone. Shit, even the two year old has a say so over what shoes he wears for the day. 

I'm still attempting to come to terms with the fact that I have an eleven, seven and almost two year old. I just recently turned 25 so I guess I shouldn't feel too bad ;)

Haahahaha! 25. I wish.

 32 is great, don't get me wrong. I feel amazing and I'm in the best shape physically and mentally than I have been in at least 15 years. Going to the gym three days a week definitely helps.Having someone supportive at home is a huge plus.......Thanks babe.
 I don't eat as well as I probably should, but carbs are my weakness.

 So is beer.

 I've come to the conclusion that if I was ever faced with the dilemma of having to give up one or the other, I would most definitely choose bread. I would for sure give up that yummy soft deliciousness we call heaven for a lifetime with Steelhead.

 Hey, I'm no alcoholic but I sure do know how to pick my battles.

In all seriousness, I really do hope the boys know that I have done everything I can do to ensure that they have everything they need and want. I would give them my last ten dollars if it meant they could go to the movies with their friends. Maybe I'm not teaching them the proper lessons in your eyes, but in my mine i am doing what is right.

 Life is tough enough to not have to worry about what shoes you are wearing or what brand your shirt is.

 Is your hat a flat bill or curved? Do you have the right socks on for basketball or the right undershirt for baseball?? Sure, life is not a fashion show or a popularity contest but try telling that to a child. 

I do what I can for them and I will continue to just to ensure that the small shit does not become an issue. They have bigger problems than clothes and shoes. 

It's called puberty. And good luck with all that...I have no control when it comes to the human body.

One thing I do have control over though is myself. .

As I get older I have started to realize that happiness is not going to fall into my lap. 

Every day is a new start to a new you. 

Don't ever let your past hold you down or prohibit you from becoming the person you want to be. 

If you want something, go for it.

 If you truly want it bad enough you will eventually attain it. 

Sure, those all sound like cliches but in all reality they are some of the truest statements I have ever spoken to myself. 

I believe in me and I am confident that anything I put my mind to I can accomplish. 

Self doubt is not an option. 

It doesn't take a "strong"  person to make it through this life, it takes determination, tenacity and perseverance.

Life is going to hand you struggles, heartache and pain but at the same time it will also bless you with happiness and more love than you can handle at times.
I recently read " Identify. Purpose. Direction. Peace." These words profoundly spoke to me. Life truly is a circle. Maybe not just one, but many. I'm definitely on my second loop. I can only hope I have many more to circum. 

Until next time. 

xoxo

Musically Inclined

Music has helped me get through certain times in my life. I don't mean, Oh I'm-so-depressed-and- heartbroken-so-every-sad-song-that-plays-i-can-relate-to music. I'm talking real music. To me, real music has a beat I can move to, lyrics I relate to, and gravitational pull that keeps me coming back for more. To find all of that in a single artist is hard to find. Maybe not 30yrs ago because back then, music was taken very literal in my opinion. These days "artists" say shit like " I've got the moves like Jagger". really? You have moves like old ass Mick Jagger? Ummmm that's cool..I guess. What the fuck? No thanks, I prefer to not have moves like a 69 year old man. Even when you're net worth is 190 million I still want nothing to do with the way your arthritic body moves. Or how about, " I brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack". So, you're an alcoholic and I'm 15 so that's what being popular is all about?
I have three young kids who listen to this bullshit.
 F.u.c.k. me.
Dear civilization, please stop fucking with my kids, I can only explain and sort out so much before I start looking like like a catholic nun.
On the positive, there are many, many artists that have helped me exceed with my writing career and life in general. I have influences just like anyone else. *Shout out to* a couple of my many favorites; A.P.O.S.T.L.E aka Jeff Campbell, he helped me through a very trying time in my life. His lyrics and presence helped me realize that there was more to life than just sitting back and expecting change. He proved to me that you have to get up and make change happen and not just hope for it. I can attribute my continued passion for writing to genres like Dub, Reggae, 80's, and Electronica.They gave me the beat to keep on stepping to. Don't confuse my love for music as a cry for help. I have had times where the only "person" I could relate to or would listen to was Music....it keeped me going at times.
There is more shitty music than I can list. Katy Perry? Are you fucking kidding me? No. Her shit sucks. She has a crappy ass voice and the only thing working for her is kids under the age of 10. 
On to Pink. As Tyson would say, "she's the man". I totally agree. What does the human race even find remotely attractive about her(him)? I will never know.
Chris Brown is a stand up citizen....not. So you are telling me that you can beat the shit out of someone and they will come back to you and see nothing wrong with any of it?, Hey Domestic Violence Committee how do you feel about that?
 "Artists" these days are sending the wrong message to the public. Let's remember, I don't get paid millions of dollars to speak my mind but these worthless people do. There is something wrong here. Aren't we taught to tell the truth no matter if it is against what other people will think is right? I was. And I will continue to.
As for Chris Brown, he will always be a woman beater to me. Sure people will and can change, but at the end of the day you allowed yourself to put your hands on a woman because you couldn't control yourself. Props to you for having zero self control.
As a mother of three boys I teach them better than that. I am going to assure myself that I have given my boys enough resources to know that laying a hand on a woman ( as much as you want to) will NEVER be okay. Know your limits, know your boundaries, know when it's worth it and know when to walk away. Nothing and no one will ever be worth everything that you have.
Love yourself first and foremost. Without that, you can never love anyone else.
xoxoxo

Summertime in the H.C

It's been a while since I've posted.
Miss me?
Of course you did, that's a silly question.
Nothing exciting going on with me, but I guess that could be a good thing. The family and I are about to adventure out on a camping trip here real soon. I've really been looking forward to it but boy do I not enjoy the preparation that comes along with it. Packing for four boys (including Tyson) is a full time job within it's self. We're only going for four days and I've been packing for like a week straight. Seriously? Next year we're throwing a fucking tent in the backyard and calling it vacation.
Lately I've been seeing more and more people showing up to the grocery store in pajamas. Not like cute yoga pants or workout clothes. I mean cartoon character-plaid-checkered-neon-playboy bunny-flannel pajama pants! What the hell people! How hard is it to put on some damn pants?! I know you're comfortable lounging around all day doing a whole lot of fucking nothing, but really? Maybe I go to far. I wouldn't dare leave my home in pj's if I had any inkling that I was going to be spotted by someone. Because knowing my luck, I'd have to stop and say hello and have two ten minute conversations all before I made it into the store. Therefore, I always make sure I look halfway decent before leaving the house. Which leads me to makeup. I ALWAYS wear makeup. The older I get the more I wear. No, this doesn't have to do with being insecure or uncomfortable with who I am. I love makeup and I like the way I look with it on.I'm a totally different person on the outside without makeup. It's me. It's part of my style.Judge me. I don't care. There are people out there that could use a class or two on it though. Let's be honest. We've all seen those people and thought to ourselves, 'did they do that shit in the dark?'. Someone should tell them. It's not going to be me though. It gives me something to laugh at when I'm having a shitty day.
Wal-Mart. Eureka got a Wal-Mart. Yee-Haw. I've been there a couple times. Nothing too exciting. No great deals and they definitely don't have anything that Target doesn't already have. I'm not sure what it is about that place though. Is it that it gives off a certain stigma? I don't know, but People of Wal-Mart is no joke. I should start submitting my own photos. I'm sure an hour in the Humboldt County store would really produce some gems.
Well, that's all I have for now. I'll keep you all posted when we return from our National Lampoon-esk Vacation. In the words of Clark..... "When I was a boy, just about every summer we'd take a vacation. And you know, in 18 years, we never had fun."

Where I was..Where I am Now

I'm going to take you back....way back. 1993. The year I fell in love. Sappy? Yes. Cheesy? Fuck yes. Do I care? Nope.
 I was a  12 year old little girl who thought she knew everything she needed to know about life. And no one, and I mean NO ONE could tell me different. I had just started my first year of middle school. I was in 7th grade. No longer the big kid on campus, you know the "upper class-man". I was now the small fish in what was soon to be a very, very big sea. My first day of school. Getting up two hours early even though you laid your brand new clothes out the night before. Taking a shower in the morning because a bath at night was now what little kids do. Making sure that your hair was just right and your backpack was full of school supplies that you would never use. All just to walk down the hall and realize that you left that damn sticker on the back of your jeans. Finally finding the office and getting handed that dreaded piece of paper..your schedule. Fuck. Who do you have first period? Second? Third? What the hell? We have zero classes together? I'm going home. This sucks. My life is ruined. Oh what? You have Mrs. Decarli Fourth period? Hell yeah!! Life that long ago was easy. Life as and adult is fuckin hardcore.Tough decisions as a child were made for you, as an adult you either make those decision or learn the hard way.

Fast forward halfway through the year. Sooooooo, there's this boy I kinda like. Let's be real. I'm full on obsessed.  I know every fucking move this kid makes and I'm there for 87.2% of it all. If I could have stalked him the other 12.8% of the time I would have, it just wasn't physically possible. I sent notes..many, many notes. By the time that our 7th grade year was complete I had probably forced numerous people to put themselves in awkward positions just to possibly gain me the upper hand.
 End of the year dance. My pay off had finally come ten fold. I was going to dance with this guy if it was the last thing I would do. I don't remember what was playing but I'm gonna bank on "I Swear" by All for One. Posted up on the wall like everyone else was, waiting for that one boy to come ask me to dance. My heart was racing a mile a minute. I know he knows I like him..right? Just come ask me..you know you want to. Then here he came. My heart dropped to the floor. The boy of my dreams is asking me..Angela Bragas to dance..SLOW DANCE. I don't know how to dance. Ummmmm..OK. It wasn't because I had an entourage of people ask him/ beg and plead with him to dance was it? No, it was because he wanted to...right?  Either way, I don't care. We're dancing damn it. There we were. Finally. Touching. Then it happened. He said, " It's not me, it's my shirt". "huh?" " The smell, It's not me..It's my shirt". No idea what you're talking about and I don't care either. I'm in heaven. The boy I've been drooling over for months is dancing with me and I am on top of the world.
Eighth grade came and the feelings didn't fade. Being a cheerleader for his basketball team didn't help. Cheering him on came natural. I did that shit in my dreams. Every waking and non waking moment was spent dreaming about being with this boy. This boy that I really knew nothing about. He didn't talk to me. We didn't really have mutual friends and we had no classes together. What was it about him?
We took a much persuaded picture together outside of a hotel on a basketball tournament once. I treasured that picture for many years to come.
High School came and  thousands of notes were forced and passed around. In 10th grade I finally came to what was terms with our non exist relationship. He just wasn't in to me. Most boys weren't growing up. They wanted to be my friend but they weren't interested in dating me.
Life happened and years went by without seeing or hearing from him.
Randomly I would run in to him at the bar from time to time and we would talk like we never even skipped a beat. Even though in school he paid me zero attention. I didn't mind. I still had love for him. Every time I saw him I just got that feeling, you know the one where you can't breathe, you have butterflies and everything you say out loud you wish you hadn't. There was just something about him.
Time passed and I thought about him often but to me I just figured that every time I thought about him he was probably never thinking about me.
Fast forward to 2009. Here I am with two kids, a failing relationship that I had invested 12 years of my life into, unhappy and wondering what I had done wrong and where I failed. The person that I had least expected to walk into my life was there. There to pick me up. There hold my hand and guide me through what would be one of the hardest times of my life. He listens, he understands, he loves me and he cares for me with a genuine heart and an open mind. He is the person I fell in love with all that time ago. The person that stole my heart all those years ago.
I believe that everyone out there has a soul mate. Whether or not you find yours...he or she is there. I found mine all those years ago. I couldn't be more blessed to say that that boy I fell in love so long ago with is now the father of our special little blue eyed baby boy. Life really can come full circle..but only if you allow it. It's never too late to find your true love.
xoxo

Fifty Shades of A

Writing comes naturally to me...at times, I could definitely use the word 'easy' to describe it. I have a passion for poetry. All of my writings allow me to express my feelings in a way that otherwise might be difficult for me. When I put a pen to paper it just flows. I'm blessed with such a gift and that is why I share it....right here for all of you to read, pick apart, or do with what you will.

You know what's not easy? Relationships. Be it with friends, family, co-workers, boyfriends, husbands, even children. Relationships take so much fucking work. It's a constant give and take. I pull you this way, you pull me that way. And if you're lucky, we'll meet in the middle and all will be right in the world. Now when that doesn't happen, and shit doesn't line up than that's where shit really hits the fan.
I'm stubborn. There, I said it...in writing. I attribute that to being a very passionate person. I give with my heart and I fight with my heart. I know no other way. It's just who I am. Let's just say, I like to be right. Who doesn't? Being right is a good feeling. A high so to speak. It puts the entire conversation into perspective....my perspective.Unfortunately relationships just won't work if the other person is always trying to be right. Always trying to prove themselves. There has to be some give. Otherwise it's a losing battle. Plus, we could all use some defeat in our lives. I think it makes you grow as a person. You know, gives you something to learn from. Giving in never means losing when you are dealing with love...it's called compromise. Every relationship depends on it. I won't even begin to touch on the "L" word... That's a whole other blog in it's self.

Trust is a huge part in allowing a relationship to really sail it's course. Without trust you have nothing. Shit, I trust that the dressing room in Ross doesn't have cameras when I'm standing there in my panties trying on clothes. We all have some trust in people.

Respect. Respect is huge with me. Appreciate and understand all that I have given you, because  no matter what it is, it's simply that... I've chosen to share something with you. I really do expect you to respect me unless I've given you a reason not to. What I don't expect is for you to agree. Which leads me back to enjoying being right. I'm always up for a good debate. I love passion in people. It's a beautiful attribute.

Honesty. Is really is the best policy. If you can't be honest with me than I sure as hell know that you are not honest with yourself. The truth is, and always will be a hard thing to swallow. Especially if you are not comfortable with you.

You are where it all begins. I'm learning this. I could give advice all day long. but if I don't work on myself than my words mean nothing. All of the things that we expect out of a relationship we must first square away with ourselves. When we come to terms with who we are, everything else starts to fall in place.

I'm no where near perfect. Neither are any of my relationships. Why? because like I said, they take work. Constant up keep. If you aren't learning from the people around you than you aren't paying attention. Life is a learning process and I'm enjoying every minute of it.
xoxo

Ball of emotions

You all know the saying " don't judge me until you have walked a mile in my shoes". The older I get the truer this message  rings.  Here I am, 31 yrs old and I still can't seem to shake these fools.
The life that each and every one of us lives is because that  is the path we choose. perhaps not consciously knowing  but subconsciously we believe that is exactly where we are  supposed to be.
My life at times seems like it is being played on loop by CNN. If I farted sideways someone, somewhere would be talking about it. Let's be real people, the life i live is actually pretty boring.
Don't get me wrong, I love the positive attention but the negative sure does take a toll on me.
It gets tiring trying to defend myself all the time. So from here on out, I won't. If you have a question, just ask. If you have a suggestion, let me know. If you want to run your mouth about me, run it. I can't and won't care anymore.
Now that that's off my chest.....
Giving. Oh how i love giving. Seriously, giving brings me happiness in my heart. Mostly I like giving away things, like clothes, toys, baby items, random shit that just takes up space. I hate clutter so that explains part of it. If you haven't used it in a year you probably won't use it..EVER. So in turn why not give it to someone who can.  I take most of my "give away" items down to a local thrift store that the Rescue Mission operates. I've been doing it for years but just found out that the items they sell are horrifically over priced. I get having to keep a business a float but fuck! Really? All of the items in there were donated, IE: FREE! And as far as I'm concerned people who shop thrift stores do it so that they can score a deal or because they can't afford to shop at the retail stores. I'm ranting..anyways, where was I? Giving things away instead of charging for them really does make me feel good inside. It allows me to feel like I did something positive for someone who may have had to go without something else just to obtain the item that, like I said earlier, just takes up space. I give change to the person sitting outside of the grocery store, I have bought snacks for a couple with small children, I've even went as far as buying a doll for a little girl who was out by Target with her mom holding a sign. That shit breaks my heart. You know what? I'm a fuckin humanitarian!!< ------ If you don't know my humor by now than you have no right reading this blog. You and I, we just won't work.
In a way, I'm giving back. As a kid we received a lot of things free...clothes, bus passes, food, health care, dental.  On numerous occasions we had all of our Christmas presents paid for, right down to the beautiful douglas fir that shined in our living room. Hahaha! I make poor sound pretty inviting don't I. Don't get me wrong, it sucked. For all the free shit that we got I can't imagine the emotional toll it took on my Mom. I know what it would do to me to feel like I personally couldn't provide for my family. So here I am today. I give and give because giving is a far better feeling that receiving will ever be for me. I'm no Humanitarian, but I sure do my part to contribute to those when I am able to.
PS. Save the hoarding for the weirdos on TV, give a bag of clothes or other things deemed useless to someone who can use it. You not only help out the next person, you are helping out yourself
 xoxo

If you say so

I LOVE Facebook.
Not gonna lie.
I'm on that shit all the time.
I know your entire life story and we don't even hang out.
Seriously.
No, I'm not a creeper.
All of the information I have is directly from YOU.
You decided to share it with me and the entire world (basically).
Some of you share your most intimate life details. Then you go on to have the audacity to claim that "you don't knooooow me."
Guess what?
We pretty much do.
We see all of your  posts.
Everyone does.
How about those who post pictures of their self proclaimed " cute" baby?
I know that I'm not the only who thinks that baby is goofy looking.
There is just something that tells me that my perception of cuteness is exactly the same as the other billions of people who reside on this planet with me.
Except  there are those people who still insist on "liking" the pictures or even going as far as commenting on how "ridiculously cute" that baby is.
Please stop.
We all know that you are overcompensating for that fact that that baby is hideous.
It's OK though, at least you are taking the attention off of us who stick by the solid rule that our mothers taught us..."if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."
Perhaps the world wide web is corrupting us as people.
I see it as an outlet for most.
A way to get away.
Live vicariously through others or through this "life" that you have created for yourself.
For all we know, you could be a 57 year old man claiming to be a high school friend of mine and end up in front of Chris Hanson trying to explain yourself.
The joys of the internet.
You can say what you please and most won't call you out.
I'm OK with that though.
It keeps me entertained.
It keeps us all entertained.
Life is an experience, it's not a race.
I'm here to enjoy every minute of it.
Thank you for helping me along the way.
xoxo