Musically Inclined

Music has helped me get through certain times in my life. I don't mean, Oh I'm-so-depressed-and- heartbroken-so-every-sad-song-that-plays-i-can-relate-to music. I'm talking real music. To me, real music has a beat I can move to, lyrics I relate to, and gravitational pull that keeps me coming back for more. To find all of that in a single artist is hard to find. Maybe not 30yrs ago because back then, music was taken very literal in my opinion. These days "artists" say shit like " I've got the moves like Jagger". really? You have moves like old ass Mick Jagger? Ummmm that's cool..I guess. What the fuck? No thanks, I prefer to not have moves like a 69 year old man. Even when you're net worth is 190 million I still want nothing to do with the way your arthritic body moves. Or how about, " I brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack". So, you're an alcoholic and I'm 15 so that's what being popular is all about?
I have three young kids who listen to this bullshit.
 F.u.c.k. me.
Dear civilization, please stop fucking with my kids, I can only explain and sort out so much before I start looking like like a catholic nun.
On the positive, there are many, many artists that have helped me exceed with my writing career and life in general. I have influences just like anyone else. *Shout out to* a couple of my many favorites; A.P.O.S.T.L.E aka Jeff Campbell, he helped me through a very trying time in my life. His lyrics and presence helped me realize that there was more to life than just sitting back and expecting change. He proved to me that you have to get up and make change happen and not just hope for it. I can attribute my continued passion for writing to genres like Dub, Reggae, 80's, and Electronica.They gave me the beat to keep on stepping to. Don't confuse my love for music as a cry for help. I have had times where the only "person" I could relate to or would listen to was Music....it keeped me going at times.
There is more shitty music than I can list. Katy Perry? Are you fucking kidding me? No. Her shit sucks. She has a crappy ass voice and the only thing working for her is kids under the age of 10. 
On to Pink. As Tyson would say, "she's the man". I totally agree. What does the human race even find remotely attractive about her(him)? I will never know.
Chris Brown is a stand up citizen....not. So you are telling me that you can beat the shit out of someone and they will come back to you and see nothing wrong with any of it?, Hey Domestic Violence Committee how do you feel about that?
 "Artists" these days are sending the wrong message to the public. Let's remember, I don't get paid millions of dollars to speak my mind but these worthless people do. There is something wrong here. Aren't we taught to tell the truth no matter if it is against what other people will think is right? I was. And I will continue to.
As for Chris Brown, he will always be a woman beater to me. Sure people will and can change, but at the end of the day you allowed yourself to put your hands on a woman because you couldn't control yourself. Props to you for having zero self control.
As a mother of three boys I teach them better than that. I am going to assure myself that I have given my boys enough resources to know that laying a hand on a woman ( as much as you want to) will NEVER be okay. Know your limits, know your boundaries, know when it's worth it and know when to walk away. Nothing and no one will ever be worth everything that you have.
Love yourself first and foremost. Without that, you can never love anyone else.
xoxoxo

Summertime in the H.C

It's been a while since I've posted.
Miss me?
Of course you did, that's a silly question.
Nothing exciting going on with me, but I guess that could be a good thing. The family and I are about to adventure out on a camping trip here real soon. I've really been looking forward to it but boy do I not enjoy the preparation that comes along with it. Packing for four boys (including Tyson) is a full time job within it's self. We're only going for four days and I've been packing for like a week straight. Seriously? Next year we're throwing a fucking tent in the backyard and calling it vacation.
Lately I've been seeing more and more people showing up to the grocery store in pajamas. Not like cute yoga pants or workout clothes. I mean cartoon character-plaid-checkered-neon-playboy bunny-flannel pajama pants! What the hell people! How hard is it to put on some damn pants?! I know you're comfortable lounging around all day doing a whole lot of fucking nothing, but really? Maybe I go to far. I wouldn't dare leave my home in pj's if I had any inkling that I was going to be spotted by someone. Because knowing my luck, I'd have to stop and say hello and have two ten minute conversations all before I made it into the store. Therefore, I always make sure I look halfway decent before leaving the house. Which leads me to makeup. I ALWAYS wear makeup. The older I get the more I wear. No, this doesn't have to do with being insecure or uncomfortable with who I am. I love makeup and I like the way I look with it on.I'm a totally different person on the outside without makeup. It's me. It's part of my style.Judge me. I don't care. There are people out there that could use a class or two on it though. Let's be honest. We've all seen those people and thought to ourselves, 'did they do that shit in the dark?'. Someone should tell them. It's not going to be me though. It gives me something to laugh at when I'm having a shitty day.
Wal-Mart. Eureka got a Wal-Mart. Yee-Haw. I've been there a couple times. Nothing too exciting. No great deals and they definitely don't have anything that Target doesn't already have. I'm not sure what it is about that place though. Is it that it gives off a certain stigma? I don't know, but People of Wal-Mart is no joke. I should start submitting my own photos. I'm sure an hour in the Humboldt County store would really produce some gems.
Well, that's all I have for now. I'll keep you all posted when we return from our National Lampoon-esk Vacation. In the words of Clark..... "When I was a boy, just about every summer we'd take a vacation. And you know, in 18 years, we never had fun."

Where I was..Where I am Now

I'm going to take you back....way back. 1993. The year I fell in love. Sappy? Yes. Cheesy? Fuck yes. Do I care? Nope.
 I was a  12 year old little girl who thought she knew everything she needed to know about life. And no one, and I mean NO ONE could tell me different. I had just started my first year of middle school. I was in 7th grade. No longer the big kid on campus, you know the "upper class-man". I was now the small fish in what was soon to be a very, very big sea. My first day of school. Getting up two hours early even though you laid your brand new clothes out the night before. Taking a shower in the morning because a bath at night was now what little kids do. Making sure that your hair was just right and your backpack was full of school supplies that you would never use. All just to walk down the hall and realize that you left that damn sticker on the back of your jeans. Finally finding the office and getting handed that dreaded piece of paper..your schedule. Fuck. Who do you have first period? Second? Third? What the hell? We have zero classes together? I'm going home. This sucks. My life is ruined. Oh what? You have Mrs. Decarli Fourth period? Hell yeah!! Life that long ago was easy. Life as and adult is fuckin hardcore.Tough decisions as a child were made for you, as an adult you either make those decision or learn the hard way.

Fast forward halfway through the year. Sooooooo, there's this boy I kinda like. Let's be real. I'm full on obsessed.  I know every fucking move this kid makes and I'm there for 87.2% of it all. If I could have stalked him the other 12.8% of the time I would have, it just wasn't physically possible. I sent notes..many, many notes. By the time that our 7th grade year was complete I had probably forced numerous people to put themselves in awkward positions just to possibly gain me the upper hand.
 End of the year dance. My pay off had finally come ten fold. I was going to dance with this guy if it was the last thing I would do. I don't remember what was playing but I'm gonna bank on "I Swear" by All for One. Posted up on the wall like everyone else was, waiting for that one boy to come ask me to dance. My heart was racing a mile a minute. I know he knows I like him..right? Just come ask me..you know you want to. Then here he came. My heart dropped to the floor. The boy of my dreams is asking me..Angela Bragas to dance..SLOW DANCE. I don't know how to dance. Ummmmm..OK. It wasn't because I had an entourage of people ask him/ beg and plead with him to dance was it? No, it was because he wanted to...right?  Either way, I don't care. We're dancing damn it. There we were. Finally. Touching. Then it happened. He said, " It's not me, it's my shirt". "huh?" " The smell, It's not me..It's my shirt". No idea what you're talking about and I don't care either. I'm in heaven. The boy I've been drooling over for months is dancing with me and I am on top of the world.
Eighth grade came and the feelings didn't fade. Being a cheerleader for his basketball team didn't help. Cheering him on came natural. I did that shit in my dreams. Every waking and non waking moment was spent dreaming about being with this boy. This boy that I really knew nothing about. He didn't talk to me. We didn't really have mutual friends and we had no classes together. What was it about him?
We took a much persuaded picture together outside of a hotel on a basketball tournament once. I treasured that picture for many years to come.
High School came and  thousands of notes were forced and passed around. In 10th grade I finally came to what was terms with our non exist relationship. He just wasn't in to me. Most boys weren't growing up. They wanted to be my friend but they weren't interested in dating me.
Life happened and years went by without seeing or hearing from him.
Randomly I would run in to him at the bar from time to time and we would talk like we never even skipped a beat. Even though in school he paid me zero attention. I didn't mind. I still had love for him. Every time I saw him I just got that feeling, you know the one where you can't breathe, you have butterflies and everything you say out loud you wish you hadn't. There was just something about him.
Time passed and I thought about him often but to me I just figured that every time I thought about him he was probably never thinking about me.
Fast forward to 2009. Here I am with two kids, a failing relationship that I had invested 12 years of my life into, unhappy and wondering what I had done wrong and where I failed. The person that I had least expected to walk into my life was there. There to pick me up. There hold my hand and guide me through what would be one of the hardest times of my life. He listens, he understands, he loves me and he cares for me with a genuine heart and an open mind. He is the person I fell in love with all that time ago. The person that stole my heart all those years ago.
I believe that everyone out there has a soul mate. Whether or not you find yours...he or she is there. I found mine all those years ago. I couldn't be more blessed to say that that boy I fell in love so long ago with is now the father of our special little blue eyed baby boy. Life really can come full circle..but only if you allow it. It's never too late to find your true love.
xoxo

Fifty Shades of A

Writing comes naturally to me...at times, I could definitely use the word 'easy' to describe it. I have a passion for poetry. All of my writings allow me to express my feelings in a way that otherwise might be difficult for me. When I put a pen to paper it just flows. I'm blessed with such a gift and that is why I share it....right here for all of you to read, pick apart, or do with what you will.

You know what's not easy? Relationships. Be it with friends, family, co-workers, boyfriends, husbands, even children. Relationships take so much fucking work. It's a constant give and take. I pull you this way, you pull me that way. And if you're lucky, we'll meet in the middle and all will be right in the world. Now when that doesn't happen, and shit doesn't line up than that's where shit really hits the fan.
I'm stubborn. There, I said it...in writing. I attribute that to being a very passionate person. I give with my heart and I fight with my heart. I know no other way. It's just who I am. Let's just say, I like to be right. Who doesn't? Being right is a good feeling. A high so to speak. It puts the entire conversation into perspective....my perspective.Unfortunately relationships just won't work if the other person is always trying to be right. Always trying to prove themselves. There has to be some give. Otherwise it's a losing battle. Plus, we could all use some defeat in our lives. I think it makes you grow as a person. You know, gives you something to learn from. Giving in never means losing when you are dealing with love...it's called compromise. Every relationship depends on it. I won't even begin to touch on the "L" word... That's a whole other blog in it's self.

Trust is a huge part in allowing a relationship to really sail it's course. Without trust you have nothing. Shit, I trust that the dressing room in Ross doesn't have cameras when I'm standing there in my panties trying on clothes. We all have some trust in people.

Respect. Respect is huge with me. Appreciate and understand all that I have given you, because  no matter what it is, it's simply that... I've chosen to share something with you. I really do expect you to respect me unless I've given you a reason not to. What I don't expect is for you to agree. Which leads me back to enjoying being right. I'm always up for a good debate. I love passion in people. It's a beautiful attribute.

Honesty. Is really is the best policy. If you can't be honest with me than I sure as hell know that you are not honest with yourself. The truth is, and always will be a hard thing to swallow. Especially if you are not comfortable with you.

You are where it all begins. I'm learning this. I could give advice all day long. but if I don't work on myself than my words mean nothing. All of the things that we expect out of a relationship we must first square away with ourselves. When we come to terms with who we are, everything else starts to fall in place.

I'm no where near perfect. Neither are any of my relationships. Why? because like I said, they take work. Constant up keep. If you aren't learning from the people around you than you aren't paying attention. Life is a learning process and I'm enjoying every minute of it.
xoxo

Ball of emotions

You all know the saying " don't judge me until you have walked a mile in my shoes". The older I get the truer this message  rings.  Here I am, 31 yrs old and I still can't seem to shake these fools.
The life that each and every one of us lives is because that  is the path we choose. perhaps not consciously knowing  but subconsciously we believe that is exactly where we are  supposed to be.
My life at times seems like it is being played on loop by CNN. If I farted sideways someone, somewhere would be talking about it. Let's be real people, the life i live is actually pretty boring.
Don't get me wrong, I love the positive attention but the negative sure does take a toll on me.
It gets tiring trying to defend myself all the time. So from here on out, I won't. If you have a question, just ask. If you have a suggestion, let me know. If you want to run your mouth about me, run it. I can't and won't care anymore.
Now that that's off my chest.....
Giving. Oh how i love giving. Seriously, giving brings me happiness in my heart. Mostly I like giving away things, like clothes, toys, baby items, random shit that just takes up space. I hate clutter so that explains part of it. If you haven't used it in a year you probably won't use it..EVER. So in turn why not give it to someone who can.  I take most of my "give away" items down to a local thrift store that the Rescue Mission operates. I've been doing it for years but just found out that the items they sell are horrifically over priced. I get having to keep a business a float but fuck! Really? All of the items in there were donated, IE: FREE! And as far as I'm concerned people who shop thrift stores do it so that they can score a deal or because they can't afford to shop at the retail stores. I'm ranting..anyways, where was I? Giving things away instead of charging for them really does make me feel good inside. It allows me to feel like I did something positive for someone who may have had to go without something else just to obtain the item that, like I said earlier, just takes up space. I give change to the person sitting outside of the grocery store, I have bought snacks for a couple with small children, I've even went as far as buying a doll for a little girl who was out by Target with her mom holding a sign. That shit breaks my heart. You know what? I'm a fuckin humanitarian!!< ------ If you don't know my humor by now than you have no right reading this blog. You and I, we just won't work.
In a way, I'm giving back. As a kid we received a lot of things free...clothes, bus passes, food, health care, dental.  On numerous occasions we had all of our Christmas presents paid for, right down to the beautiful douglas fir that shined in our living room. Hahaha! I make poor sound pretty inviting don't I. Don't get me wrong, it sucked. For all the free shit that we got I can't imagine the emotional toll it took on my Mom. I know what it would do to me to feel like I personally couldn't provide for my family. So here I am today. I give and give because giving is a far better feeling that receiving will ever be for me. I'm no Humanitarian, but I sure do my part to contribute to those when I am able to.
PS. Save the hoarding for the weirdos on TV, give a bag of clothes or other things deemed useless to someone who can use it. You not only help out the next person, you are helping out yourself
 xoxo

If you say so

I LOVE Facebook.
Not gonna lie.
I'm on that shit all the time.
I know your entire life story and we don't even hang out.
Seriously.
No, I'm not a creeper.
All of the information I have is directly from YOU.
You decided to share it with me and the entire world (basically).
Some of you share your most intimate life details. Then you go on to have the audacity to claim that "you don't knooooow me."
Guess what?
We pretty much do.
We see all of your  posts.
Everyone does.
How about those who post pictures of their self proclaimed " cute" baby?
I know that I'm not the only who thinks that baby is goofy looking.
There is just something that tells me that my perception of cuteness is exactly the same as the other billions of people who reside on this planet with me.
Except  there are those people who still insist on "liking" the pictures or even going as far as commenting on how "ridiculously cute" that baby is.
Please stop.
We all know that you are overcompensating for that fact that that baby is hideous.
It's OK though, at least you are taking the attention off of us who stick by the solid rule that our mothers taught us..."if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."
Perhaps the world wide web is corrupting us as people.
I see it as an outlet for most.
A way to get away.
Live vicariously through others or through this "life" that you have created for yourself.
For all we know, you could be a 57 year old man claiming to be a high school friend of mine and end up in front of Chris Hanson trying to explain yourself.
The joys of the internet.
You can say what you please and most won't call you out.
I'm OK with that though.
It keeps me entertained.
It keeps us all entertained.
Life is an experience, it's not a race.
I'm here to enjoy every minute of it.
Thank you for helping me along the way.
xoxo

Time doesn't heal this wound

It will be six years this July.
The day I lost my rock. The only parent I ever knew. My mother.
I remember it like it just happened. Word for word. Moment for moment.
Time stood still that day.
I was forever changed.
July 27, 2006 at 2:36 pm.
I was driving to pick up my work cell phone that I had accidentally left at home.
Mind you, I was already half way through my work day at that point but I still felt like it was neccessary to leave and go get it.
Perhaps that's the way the world works. Leading in a certain direction because it knows that you are meant to be somewhere at that certain time.
I pulled into the driveway and took one step in the house and  grabbed the phone off of the kitchen counter. With my other foot still standing in the garage, I noticed a missed call. I didn't even look to see if there was a message I just hit send send. My brother Neil answered the phone and said "Mom.....Moms dead."
Those words will forever ring in my head.
My house at that time just so happened to be right across the highway from my Mom's.
See why I believe that you are where you are at that very moment in time because you are supposed to be? Everything, in my mind, happens for a reason.
I never made it completely in my house before I was turned right back around and headed toward her house. Still on the phone with my brother as I drove a drive that takes about 3 minutes but some how it turned into an eternity. I ran toward the house but I was stopped at the front porch by my brother and his girlfriend. He begged me not to go in the house but I didn't listen. I opened the front door and went straight to her room. She wasn't there. Where was she? The next place I looked was the bathroom. There she was, peaceful and content slouched over in the bathtub. Her heart had stopped. Her body finally succumbed to her illness. That is the last time I saw my mom. I sat on the other side of the wall and cried, I banged on the wall and I cried. I screamed at her because I was so angry. I wanted to know why. Why did she leave me? Why did she go now? It wasn't her time. I wasn't ready for her to be gone. I sat there on the other side of that wall until the coroner showed up to take her away. Even then I didn't want to belive that it had happened. I remember feeling myself breathing. As if I was having some sort of outer body experience or something. I felt that way for hours.
The next couple of days were a blur to me. Phone call after phone call having to explain to family and friends what had happened.  There were people who didn't call and I later learned that they didn't know what to say. That hurt. I understand it now, but at the time I felt like I was the only person in the world who had lost a parent and no one could feel the same hurt that I was feeling. The support of my family and friends is what got me through it. I did a lot of writing and a lot "preaching" to people. I didn't want to waste another minute taking life for granted. I wanted everyone to know that when the inevitable happened of them losing a parent that they had the support in me. To know that they aren't alone.
Now I only see my Mom in my dreams. I can no longer hear her voice or see her smile unless I'm sleeping. Those are the dreams I don't want to wake up from. But when I do, the spirit of my Mother is even stronger. She is always with me. She always will be.
Everything I do I  do with purpose.
Life is too short.
We will be gone before we know it.
Take advantage of today because you never know what tomorrow will hold.
xoxo

No different

While driving home from dropping the boys off at school this morning I had one of those "moments". As I sat at the stoplight waiting for the light to turn green, a school bus was driving by in the opposite direction. I watched as the bus passed and I noticed something. Every single one of the six or seven kids on the bus had a smile on their face. Not just a content look, but a huge, happy to be alive look on their face. This obviously wasn't a bus filled with hormonal teenagers being taken to high school. This bus was on the way to Glen Paul, the school for children with disabilities. Normally I don't take notice in something like this but today I did. Today I looked at that bus and realized that no matter how hard I think I have it or how annoyed I am at something in my life, I have it pretty good. Hell, I have it VERY good. Those kids weren't thinking about their problems, they were just happy to be going to school. All of the little things in my life that at the time feel huge are just a bump in my road. To some the bump in the road never goes away. It's something that they learn to deal with and accept. The moment I had today is something that I will remind myself of often.
Be yourself...always. Smile because you never know who is watching. And remember, somebody, somewhere is always going through the same thing as you are. It's up to you how you deal with it.
xoxo

Wake up, Wake up

This month I turn 31. Fuck. I'm getting old. I know, 31 technically isn't old but it is to me.
I've done a lot in these last thirty years. A. LOT. I survived my childhood so that says something. Not to say that it was terrible but it sure wasn't full of sparkles and glitter. We grew up poor. Very, very poor. I was just telling Tyson about going to the store for my mom to get her a Coke and a rocky road candy bar, which in return I would get the change to spend  on whatever I wanted. Here's the kicker. I had to purchase these said items with food stamps. I'm not talking  fancy debit card looking food stamps that blend into the crowd. I'm talking about the O.G paper stamps that came in the booklets of ones, fives and tens. Yep, there I was walking down the street to the store to spend my food stamps. Proud as fuck too. I didn't know embarrassment at that age. All I cared about was getting 40 pieces of penny candies with the leftover change. Shit, I'd still use a food stamp if I had to. That's something my Mom always taught us, NEVER be ashamed of who you are or where you came from. We rarely ever had a car but that didn't stop us from getting to where we needed to be. Grocery shopping sucked.We lived in these apartments about 3 blocks up hill from the grocery store. Every 1st of the month my mom would single one of us out to go with her to the store. Not me, not me, not me...shit, ok I'll go. Off to the store to spend over two hours combing the aisles for food that was supposed to last five people an entire month. Once that mission was complete we had to bag it all and attempt to fit it all into one cart because pushing two carts up a hill home was hell. Oh, what's that you say? Why didn't you put the groceries in your car? because...we had no car! So up the hill we went, pushing the (hopefully just one) heavy ass cart home. Can you imagine asking a kid these days to push a grocery cart full of bags home? They'd look at you and laugh in your face. Kids are different these days. That's for another blog though.
I look back on some of the things that went on during my childhood and I could be embarassed or ashamed but I'm not. I know who I am. I know that my mom did everything she could to get us to where we are today. I'm proud to say I grew up poor. It made me appreciative. Today I live in a beautiful secluded home. I drive a BMW and can afford to buy food with a real debit card. And for that, I would like to thank my Mother, for instilling in me that happiness doesn't come from material things. It comes from love. I can only hope that my children get the same message. Just not the hard way.
xoxo

My therapy

 The following were written roughly around four to six years ago. Those were let's say, trying times for me. I've considered not sharing them because I have had some pretty horrible things said in regards to it. I've had my entire binder ripped up into shreds out of anger. I still carry that binder and I've literally picked up the pieces and moved on. All of these trigger a lot of emotion in me even though it's been years and I no longer feel the hate that I once did. This is real. This is raw. This is ME.


 

Blind
Eyes are open but do you see me?
Ears are open but do you hear me?
I'm speaking loudly
plain as day. 
No one stuttered. 
No break in words.
I'm yelling now.
It's like you're deaf.
My words are spinning around you're head.
Do you see them?
Suck them in.
Crying only releases emotion.
It doesn't guarantee a win.
Can't you feel it?
The ground is shaking.
Hate and pain 
it's no mistaking.
Hearts are clashing.
Hearts are breaking.
Words are said
and hearts they're aching.

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Why do you hurt me?
Why do you make me cry?
you always say I'm a liar.
I'm not lying.
You don't trust me
so I don't trust you.
It's like you hate being home.
Work is just an excuse.
You're rude.
You're mean.
You lie.
You're two-faced.
You're fake.
I wish I could make you cry.
You expect so much but give nothing.
Oh no, 
I'm lying again,


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(Un)Natural Disaster
My life is like a whirlwind
trying to live each day till the end.
The house is a mess. 
The kids are screaming.
You are working.
I wish I was dreaming.
Can't take a nap.
The boys are demanding.
I can't keep up.
This plane isn't landing.
Faster and faster
speed takes it's toll
If it doesn't slow down
I won't know where to go.
What do you do when you're spinning in circles?
All I need is a break.
But don't we all need to get away?
How much more of this mess can I take??


------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hate is an emotion I wish I didn't have. The pain that it brings is nothing but bad. The hurt it consists of will always be there. Nothing you do will ever compare nor change the wounds you inflicted the lives you conflicted. I'll never move pass that time in our lives when you took the life the air, the light in my eyes. I've tried to move on but it's not going to work. You run from it now because it causes too much hurt. 
How does one fix such angst in ones heart? How does one heal these lives torn apart? I wish I  could have just one moment to tell you that I do own it. I know what I did, I know how I acted. I know all of the attention that I have attracted. But one little heart all by itself will never mend this entire house. We must work together to try and move on let's not make this a journey that cannot go on.
The pain is there I don't know how to show it. Angers an action that speaks louder than words. Please listen to me speak as is comes out in herds. My voice is my power, my heart, and my soul. Please take what I give you, please don't let it go. But maybe that's it..I THINK that I know. Let's take as this, 
It's time to grow.


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 One Love

what do you do when you are feeling this way?
do you shut all the doors and just walk away?
do you leave them all open and give them some space?
or do you stand in the middle and hold your place?
i was once told eighty percent don't care what i say
and twenty percent won't ever go away.
the person i am will never change
but the way i react will be a whole new phase
the way i come across will start to amaze.
I'm not doing it for you
I'm doing it for me
because i know the effect that i can be.
i strive to be positive
i strive to be strong
i strive to keep it real
and it all comes out wrong.
I can't always please you
as you can't always please me.
but a time will come
that we will all see.
You are being you
and I am being me.
So let's change for ourselves
because we can only get better
and in the end
we will walk out together.

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Judge Not
With as much time that is left in this day
you never know what might be taken away
may it mean nothing to you
or affect your whole life
just stop for a moment and cut out your slice
the way you treat others
is how they'll treat you
maybe not directly
but somebody new
what you say today
will carry on tomorrow
so make it a point
to speak with your heart
and connect with your soul
cause you don't know the day
you'll have to let go
from the moment that you walk into a room
make everyone aware that a flower has bloomed
a story has arrived
a story is shared
a life has been touched
a thought has been aired
the smiles you bring can always change to sorrow
but tears aren't always considered to be sad
to bring tears of joy is a hard thing to do
and if you achieve that
than you know you
are truly being
you.





 Love is a drug
 self inflicted
self induced
keep it coming
can't break loose
stronger than love
worse than hate
stomach twisted
tied in knots
feels like a million rocks
piled high
suffocating
minds a blur
feelings fading
don't blink now
you're going under
reaching up
towards the light
all of a sudden
losing sight
back down to the bottom
you will go
which way out
you may never know.

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Friendship
I will inflict emotion on you
you never thought you had
I'll take you so far
you may never get back
back to the way you used to be
back to the day before you met me
I'll take you on a journey
so deep in my heart
just hold on my hand
and we will never part
look in my eyes
and you will realize
the real me
the person I'm supposed to be
not everyone is graced
with such a gift
as the power
of you and I
and the lives
we uplift
hold on tight
as we venture through this
it's a path down a road
that most don't know exist
but we know it's there
It's all for our taking
leave them behind
It's not worth the faking
the reality of it all
is that it's there
and we see it
it's not for the weak
it's not for the blind
that is why it's meant
for you
and 
I.
 
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These are ones that I'm sure most of you have already read. Some of these may be new to you. Heck, maybe you've never read them until now. In any case, I hope that they touch your heart like they do mine. When all else fails write. No matter what anyone says, writing is therapy and it's one hell of an outlet.
xoxo






 

Cheers to the past, present, and the future

Holy crap it's 2012!! Can you believe it's finally here? The year all these fools with foil hats have been waiting for.  I for one welcome the new year with open arms. I'm really hoping that with all of this hype about the world ending it gets people out there to really start living life. One can only hope right?
What's really going to happen is people are going to fall into a fucking panic and start looting and shit. It's a scary thing to imagine when half the planet thinks the world is coming to an end. 
Enough about all that.
 Dylan turns 10. On the 10th for that matter. How cool is that? It only happens once in your lifetime. But hey, guess what's even cooler?? I turn 31 on the 31st. What?? Ready for this? Jevin turns 1 on the 1st ( March)! Mind officially blown huh? Ok, probably not but I thought it was pretty badass.
This month marks an entire decade that I've been a Mother.
Surviving ten years of parenthood just assures me that I WILL survive the next 18 years. When it's all said and done I'll have had kids living under my roof, under my rules for damn near 30 years. I deserve some sort of medal or something. My mom raised 6 kids...alone. She deserves a Pulitzer.

I've been through a hell of  a lot these last 30 years. Nothing short of a roller coaster. I'm alright with that though. I've learned and grown from my mistakes, misfortunes and any other stupid thing I've done. I don't regret any of it because I wouldn't' be the person that I am today. Sure there are things that if I had know what I know now, I would have done differently but that's the past and one can only move forward.
So here's to ALWAYS living in the now and never trying to change what I have zero control over.
Next blog I'll be sharing some of my writing that keep my head level and my mind focused. Hope to see you all back next time.
xoxo